How to deal with manipulators 

There’s no denying that relationships are complicated.

Whether you are talking about friendships, family relationships, or romantic encounters, the relationships in our lives can either enrich our experience on earth, or make it terrible.

When faced with a manipulating person, it can feel like you are trapped.

Manipulating people can be hard to spot, and even harder to deal with because they have a knack for making you feel like you are the problem.

If you have found yourself in the presence of someone who is manipulating you, or you suspect they might be, here’s how you can tell.

1) They believe their approach is the right one.

Someone who is hell-bent on manipulating another person is going to stand their ground, no matter what.

They tend to be very vocal about how their approach to a particular problem or situation is the only one that will work and they need everyone to get on board.

There are several reasons for this; particularly, manipulating people need to control the situation and what people see in order to remain in control.

If they are lying about something or they are trying to cover something up, staying in control is the best way to ensure they are not found out.

According to Abigail Brenner M.D. in Psychology Today, manipulative people “truly believe that their way of handling a situation is the only way because it means that their needs are being met, and that’s all that matters.”

If you feel like you are dealing with someone who never gives you an inch even if you give them a mile, you might have a classic manipulator on your hands.

2) They cross lines in your relationship.

Manipulators will everything in their power to get you to feel small and unworthy of their attention and love.

They’ll cross lines that make you question your sanity and you’ll end up feeling like the demise of your relationship is your fault.

Sharon Martin says in Psych Central that “people who are manipulative, narcissistic and have a poor sense of self tend to repeatedly violate personal boundaries.”

If you tell them not to do something, you can bet your bottom dollar that they’ll do it the very next chance they get.

It’s not because they are bad people, though. It’s because they need to be the ones in charge, no matter what.

It’s like trying to deal with a toddler who won’t stop throwing temper tantrums because they want candy in the store.

Manipulators cross boundaries to get their own way.

And if you don’t have boundaries yourself, then you might be a prime target for a manipulative person.

Professional clinical counselor Maryann W. Mathai tells Bustle that “unfortunately, emotional manipulators often play the victim and prey on compassionate caretakers who have poor (or no) boundaries.”

3) They blame you for their problems.

If you are dealing with someone you think might be manipulating you, consider how many times you walk away from a conversation with them feeling bad about yourself or feeling guilty about making their situation worse.

This is known as “gaslighting” where manipulation is used to get people to question themselves and what they did wrong.

Therapist Sharie Stines says in Time that if you’re being gaslighted, you might feel a sense of guilt or defensiveness – like you’ve done something wrong.

In reality, this is what Stines calls “manipulators blame” because “they don’t take responsibility”.

If you are dealing with a manipulator, both of these statements will be true. Manipulators have a way of skirting blame and pointing fingers at other people.

They’ll blame you and other people for everything from why they don’t make enough money in their jobs to why they couldn’t get concert tickets on Saturday night.

They are master artists when it comes to ensuring that they have no responsibility for their own lives.

4) They play on your emotions.

Manipulative people are cunning and sly and can work a situation or a work with a sense of confidence that makes you feel icky.

Not only do they undermine people right in front of them, but they also have a tendency to make you feel bad about your emotions.

When you feel sad, they have a cunning way of making you feel sad that you feel sad.

According to Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP in Health Line, if you’re upset, a manipulative person may try to make you feel guilty for your feelings.

They may use phrases like “If you really loved me, you’d never question me” or “I couldn’t take that job. I wouldn’t want to be away from my kids so much.”

They make you feel guilty when you try to talk to them about their ways and they make you feel less worthy of things you already have and relationships that otherwise felt like they were going well.

If they know you are an emotional person, they’ll use that against you in order to get the upper hand.

5) It feels like you are talking to a brick wall.

Manipulative types are hard and fast in their thinking. It’s a defense mechanism, but it is also a tool that they use to gain control of the situation.

If you approach someone who you believe is manipulating you and you try to talk to them, they’ll shut down.

Preston Ni M.S.B.A. says in Psychology Today that manipulative people tend to partake in the “playing dumb game”:

“By pretending she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do, the manipulator/passive-aggressive makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat.”

Often, they’ll turn the conversation on you and make you feel like a bad person for even bringing it up in the first place.

They’ll just sit there looking smug and be short with you, saying things such as, “yup, okay, fine, great, mmmhmmm.”

It’s annoying and makes you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere with them.

6) What they say and what they do don’t match.

The best way to tell if someone is trying to manipulate you or is a manipulative person, in general, is to watch their actions.

If they say one thing and do another, it’s likely that they are trying to hide something or are not true to their word.

According to Abigail Brenner M.D. in Psychology Today to spot a manipulative people you should “characterize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words. Always remember that what a person says and does are two very separate things.”

We can’t always understand why people do the things they do, but one thing is for sure: if someone is lying to you about where they are, what they have been doing, or who they have been with, something’s not right.

The hard part about being manipulated is that you are left reeling from being taken advantage of, and at the same time, you are left trying to deal with someone who doesn’t live up to their word.

(Manipulative and toxic people can only ruin your life if you let them. Learn how to stand up for yourself by embracing your inner beast. Find out how in Ideapod’s free masterclass)

Take Back Control: How to Deal with Manipulative People

It takes all kinds of people to make this world an interesting place.

Respecting and loving each other is always the goal, but sometimes, we counter people who seem to be doing things on purpose so that we’ll neither respect them, nor love them.

People who have a tendency to manipulate often don’t have close relationships, but the ones they do have are lived on eggshells and the tension is palpable.

If you are trying to deal with someone who is manipulating you, you’ve got a few choices. The first is to decide to do something about it.

The second is to be willing to walk away from whatever situation that is in order to ensure your safety.

Manipulation is about power, control, and in some cases, cruelty.

Here are 4 tips to help you deal with manipulative people:

1) Level the playing field.

When it comes to dealing with someone who is manipulating you, the first step in dealing with them is to make sure you are in a safe place.

Loren Soeiro, Ph.D. ABPP, offers some great advice in Psychology Today:

“If you need to disengage, be sure to set physical limits: Leave the room, exit the apartment, or lock the door. Stop the car, or refuse to drive with the other person. Spend time with the person only when a third party is present. Stop reading his or her emails or texts. Set limits that will preserve your safety, as well as your peace of mind.”

Before you confront someone who is manipulative, make a date to go to a local coffee shop or restaurant where they can’t get overly outrageous and freak out on you.

This kind of atmosphere will also help to keep your own emotions in check because once you let the floodgates go, you might be overcome with rage or frustration.

It’s best to ensure that your conversation happens in a place where you can speak frankly, but without making a scene.

If your manipulator is physically hurting you, this is also the safest way to deal with them.

Classic manipulators and abusers don’t look like they would hurt a fly, but behind closed doors, others are not safe.

2) Avoid blame.

When you sit down to talk about how you have been feeling and what you have been seeing, be sure to not blame them for their actions.

Sure, they need to take responsibility for the way they treat you, but you don’t need to blame them to get them to own up to it.

According to Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP in Health Line “don’t try to beat them. Two people shouldn’t play this game.”

The truth is that if someone knows they are manipulating you, they’ll be very unlikely to stop. If, however, you suspect that this person has no idea how they are treating you, ensuring you don’t place blame can go a long way in reopening the relationship.

Not all manipulators set out to hurt people. Many just work with what they have to turn the situation in their favor; a conversation about how you feel can help turn the tides back to an equal playing field.

3) Hold your ground.

If, of course, you find yourself confronted with a true manipulator who is going to great lengths to make your life miserable, you’ll need to hold your ground when you confront them about it.

This means that no matter what happens, you will stand up for yourself and be clear about what you will and will not put up with.

Preston Ni M.S.B.A. in Psychology Today offers some great advice:

“The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize when they’re being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights.”

It’s tricky to advise on what is the right answer about how people should be treated because everyone needs something different, so if you feel like what you are getting is not good enough or is hurting you in some way, say it.

And then stand your ground. Don’t let them twist and turn the situation so that you look like the bad guy – classic manipulator moe.

Don’t stand for that kind of treatment. Decide ahead of time what the consequences are for this person choosing not to obey your requests.

[Holding your ground is a key aspect of mental resilience. To dive deep into how to be more mentally tough, check out Hack Spirit’s eBook on how to be more mentally tough here]

4) Be clear about what you believe is happening.

An important part about dealing with someone who has manipulative tendencies is that you need to be very clear about what they are doing that is hurting you and how they are doing it.

You don’t need to try to explain it away, and you don’t need to ask them questions about why they do the things they do.

You do, however, need to make sure you can give examples of how they have been treating you and how you would prefer to be treated.

It’s not an easy conversation to have and the likelihood of them attacking you as a way to protect themselves is quite high.

When it comes to dealing with a manipulative person, you need to be clear about what you want, need, and expect from them. If they can’t deliver, it might be time to move on.

When you’re talking with a manipulative person, Loren Soeiro, Ph.D. ABPP reminds that it’s important that you stick to our original point:

“If the other person tries to pivot to another topic, confuse the issue, or shift the responsibility onto you, don’t be distracted. In confrontations like these, you’re very likely to be emotionally provoked or overstimulated, but try to stick to your original point.”

How do stars achieve success

Ever wondered what makes Rafael Nadal so successful?

I mean, he has won 18 Grand Slam titles, the second most in history.

He’s also held the number one spot for a total of 196 weeks. That’s a long time.

I’ve been watching Wimbledon lately (as I’m sure we all have) and it seems like he is playing as well as he ever has.

So in order for us to learn from his success, I thought I’d research what has made Nadal so successful.

Here are 5 things we can learn from Nadal’s success.

1) He is a (good) perfectionist

Some people say being a perfectionist is a liability. In fact, we’ve even said on this blog that perfectionism can be detrimental to achieving your goals.

But perhaps we’ve got it wrong.

According to ex-Spanish tennis star Carlos Moya (now coach of Nadal), “He puts lots of pressure on himself, even in practice…He is a perfectionist, and wants to do everything just right.”

According to experts, there are two types of perfectionism, a good and a bad kind.

Those who try their best and expect themselves and others to do well, but who treat failures as learning opportunities rather than indicators of inferiority, are the good kind of perfectionists.

However, research suggests that those who are motivated to please or impress others perform worse than those who set goals for themselves.

We’re guessing Nadal is almost certainly in the good perfectionism camp.

2) Spirit

Rafael Nadal is known to play the game with a lot of spirit and passion.

In WebMD Magazine, former tennis world champion Mats Wilander says one of Nadal’s strengths is that, even though he’s number one, he keeps switching up his game and keeping it fresh. That’s because the game still thrills him.

In fact, one of Rafael Nada’s famous quotes is, “The glory is being happy … not winning here or there. The glory is enjoying practicing, enjoying each day, enjoying to work hard, trying to be a better player than before.”

This is something that you hear time and time again. The more passionate you are, the more likely you are to find success.

In fact, in a study, researchers at the National Academy of Sciences examined the post-grad success rates of more than eleven thousand students.

Before the entrance to the school, students were required to determine how 9 different factors influenced their choice to attend the school.

These factors were internal and instrumental motives – internal motives include things like “to become a leader in the US military whereas instrumental motives include things like “to get a good job”.

Not surprisingly, students with strong internal motives and weak instrumental motives appeared to be more successful when evaluated after graduation.

3) Managing adversity

While many of us remember Nadal as always being on the top, he has had to endure many ups and downs, both on and off the court.

He has had injury issues that threatened to hinder his career. He had to work through them in order to come back strong.

Ultimately, it’s his resilience that has enabled him to get back to the top of the game time and time again.

And this can be seen when he is playing tennis. He never gives up and gives it his all.

According to psychologist Angela Duckworth, “grit” – passion and sustained persistence despite setbacks – predicts long-term success in nearly every realm of life.

4) Family

Nadal appears like a gladiator when he is playing tennis, but off court Nadal is a humble and family-oriented person.

While tennis stars such as Novak Djokovic and Victoria Azarenka make their base in the glamorous surrounds of places like Monaco, Nadal escapes the attention by returning to his place, “Mallorca and Manacor is my life,” Nadal told CNN’s Open Court Show. “This is where I have all the people that I really love – family, friends, everybody.”

Mats Wilander, former world number one, explained to CNN how his uncle and father helped Nadal in the early days and helped contributed to his success:

“I came to watch him practice for three days — it was incredible how one uncle would bring in two freshly-strung rackets, another uncle would come in with lunch, dad was there on and off, back and forth…They care for each other, and the success of Rafa has to do with the fact that he feels secure in life and he’s just able to go out there and leave it all out there on the court and give absolutely everything, every single point. Not a lot of athletes can do that.”

5) Hard work

According to Rafael Nadal, there aren’t any “secrets” to this success.

Speaking to India Today, Nadal emphasized two key things that contributed to his success – work hard and have the right people around you.

“When I was a kid, I just dreamt about playing at Roland Garros, at Wimbledon, professional tournaments. I am no different than many kids. My motivation and passion to try to reach that dream was the key to our success. We worked hard with motivation. Kids can do it, if I did it,”

“The only thing I can advise is that try to have right people around you, who know about the sport, who really support you and try to help you reach your best level, practice every day with motivation and passion.”

How to be more likable 

1) Stop showing off and trying to impress people.

Nobody likes a showoff, and if you are trying to impress people with your money, cars, home, or knowledge, you can stop right now.

People, more than ever, just want to feel connected to one another.

When you are throwing all of your achievements at them, they don’t get to know the real you.

Plus, it’s pretty annoying to listen to someone talk about themselves and their stuff all the time.

Just let people get to know the real you and be humble. You’ll be doing yourself a favor.

Research has suggested that humility offers several positive qualities, including being more helpful, according to Wade C. Rowatt, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology and neuroscience in Baylor’s College of Arts & Sciences:

“The research indicates that humility is a positive quality with potential benefits…While several factors influence whether people will volunteer to help a fellow human in need, it appears that humble people, on average, are more helpful than individuals who are egotistical or conceited.”

People who are enjoyable to be around are humble, not arrogant.

It’s healthy to be confident, but there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. The difference is humility.

2) Stop being so needy.

You need to stop needing everyone to come to your rescue. You’ll need to lay off the constant phone calls and text messages.

If you walk around believing that everyone is going to abandon you, you won’t be surprised when that happens.

According to research, narcissists tend to be very needy people. Not many people enjoy spending time with narcissists.

Instead, be there for people who need you. Let go of what you think is going to happen and focus on what is happening.

3) Forgive and stop criticizing

If you want to get your friends back you are going to have to forgive and forget. Some people can forget, but not everyone can forgive.

It’s an important part of healing and moving on for some people. If you constantly remind people about their mistakes they are not going to be interested in being your friend.

Belittling others by pointing out their mistakes can rub people the wrong way.

Dr. Rob Yeung, a performance psychologist and author of How To Stand Out: Proven Tactics for Getting Ahead, says that “one of the reasons humans came to dominate the planet is that we evolved to cooperate with each other, which means being able to trust other people.”

Therefore, habits that “promote aggression, status, or dominance over other people tend to erode trust.”

4) Stop trying to control everyone around you.

You need to quit trying to be the boss of everyone. They are not on this earth to do your bidding.

According to Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D, “control is a big problem in relationships…they don’t respect you and the way you are.”

Your control issues may stem from your own lack of control about your own life.

It’s not easy to admit it, but once you realize that you are your own worst enemy, you’ll start to come around and focus on your own shortcomings instead of pointing out everyone else’s.

5) Stop tearing others down.

You need to stop putting other people down. You might not even realize you are doing this, but if you are someone who likes to criticize others or gossip about others, then quit it.

A piece in Bolde by emotional intelligence author Dr. Travis Bradberry noted that gossiping about others is a certain way to make you appear as a negative person.

It also means people won’t trust you with sensitive or personal information. Who wants to be someone like that?

Don’t assume anything. Don’t think you know better than anyone. Don’t make choices for people.

Give people room and hold space for them while they figure things out and you’ll have more and better friends in the long run.

6) Get down off your soapbox.

If you want to get people to like you again, you need to stop preaching.

Know-it-alls suffer from something called “belief superiority” and it’s tough to get along with someone who thinks they’re better than you.

You don’t know everything and everything you do know only applies to your experiences so don’t try to get everyone’s life to fit into your version of it.

Nobody likes a know-it-all. Get off the soapbox.

7) Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

According to therapist Karen Hartmann, “Toxicity stems from greed, blame, shame, and guilt,”

It’s nobody’s problem if your life isn’t going as planned. Rather than look around for someone to blame for your bad choices, look in the mirror.

If you can own your decisions, rather than find scapegoats for them, you’ll be able to get back in the good graces of your friends sooner rather than later.

But you need to say so. Being able to say you were wrong can go a long way.

8) Stop sooking about your life.

If you just drag others down with you when you have a pity party nobody is going to want to be your friend.

In a piece for Psychology Today, psychologist Guy Winch said, “The constant negativity issuing forth from chronic complainers presents a huge challenge for those around them. And nothing makes chronic complainers happier than being more miserable than their friends.”

Sometimes, you need to find the good in things, no matter how small, in order to stay afloat.

Everyone gets to have down days, but if you constantly live in the mud, people will stop coming to pull you out.

Get over it and get back to living a life of possibility. Complaining doesn’t get you friends.

9) Be open to those around you.

If you are trying to be more palatable to the people around you, make sure you are opening yourself up to them and not making everything about you.

Harvard psychologist Amy Cuddy says it’s important to demonstrate warmth first and then competence, especially in business settings.

“From an evolutionary perspective,” Cuddy writes in her book Presence, “it is more crucial to our survival to know whether a person deserves our trust.”

Getting to know other people is an important part of their impressions of you. Properly listening to others helps build rapport and trust.

It seems like a backward approach, but if you’d ever walked away from someone feeling like they really listened to you and you really like them, despite not knowing anything about them really, you’ll know what we are talking about.

10) Ask questions and be interested in others.

Be honest with your engagements and take an interest in the lives of those people you want to be friends with.

If you are striving to get along better with people at work, take an interest in the work they do, their goals, and their achievements in the company.

Ask lots of questions and follow up with people after they have told you something important. It means a lot to people when they know you care.

In another piece by Bradberry on Linkedin, Bradberry spoke about the value of asking other people questions in conversation.

This shows that you’re engaged, and even more importantly, that you’re actually listening.

11) Let others speak.

Want other people to like you? Stop talking. We are very good at shooting ourselves in the foot or putting that foot in our mouths.

If you are working on relationship building, let the other person have the floor.

Licensed professional counselor, Heidi McBain, MA, tells Bustle, “It would be helpful if they could learn to be good listeners.”

“To be a better listener someone needs to track the conversation and check in to make sure they are truly understanding what the other person is sharing with them,”

This is also a good idea if you tend to be nervous around other people or tend to say the wrong thing.

Let others lead the conversation and you’ll be their favorite person in no time.

12) Show others you are reliable.

When it comes down to it, people like those they can trust. If you have let the balls drop more than once, it’s going to be difficult to show people that you are serious and can be trusted.

Jeff Haden in INC says it best:

“Being moody, short-tempered or gloomy are the opposite of likable. People who are known for their unpredictable and fluctuating moods aren’t making anyone’s “most lovable” list.”

You need to get up and show people that you mean business. If you say something, mean it. If you say you will do something, do it.

13) Find balance in your life.

Nobody likes it when your drama seeps into their lives.

If you want people to like you, check your crazy life at the door when you go to a party or work event.

Sure, everyone has problems, but not everyone has to let them out of the bag like yesterday’s laundry.

This is especially the case if you’re dealing with someone who is overreacting. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Albert J. Bernstein, being overreactive to someone else who is also overreactive can lead to more problems:

“…the basic idea is that in many situations, you’re reacting with instincts programmed into your dinosaur brain, rather than thinking through a situation. If you’re in your dinosaur brain, you’re going to play out a 6 million-year-old program, and nothing good is going to happen. In that case, the dinosaur brain of the other person is going to understand that they are being attacked, and then you’re responding with fighting back or running away, and either one is going to escalate the situation into what I like to call the “Godzilla meets Rodan” effect. There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, and buildings fall down, but not much is accomplished.”

People like it when you are calm and collected. Don’t be a hot mess.

14) Do things that other people like.

Robin Dreeke, author the book, It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone, says that “ego suspension” is a key to building rapport with others:

“Ego suspension is putting your own needs, wants and opinions aside. Consciously ignore your desire to be correct and to correct someone else. It’s not allowing yourself to get emotionally hijacked by a situation where you might not agree with someone’s thoughts, opinions or actions.”

When you let go of your ego, you do nice things for other people and be considerate of the needs of others.

You don’t need to give up everything you have in the name of saving humanity, but it’s nice to remember to pick up a coffee for a coworker or ask about a child’s soccer game once in a while.

Little gestures go a long way in helping people like you a lot.

15) Speak from the heart.

Say your truth in the world, but be mindful of how it may impact other people. If your truth is racist, keep a lid on it.

According to Peter Bregman in Psychology Today:

“Here’s the crazy thing: honesty is much more compelling, powerful, and effective than the alternative. People want the truth. They are willing to accept it far more often than we think. And they respect other people and organizations for speaking it.”

If your truth is about religion or politics, tread with caution.

There are ways to be you and be friends with people who have different viewpoints than you do; it’s about respect, allowing space, and hearing others out.

16) Put the phone down.

As mentioned above, listening is important if you want to be liked.

But how can you know if someone likes you if you never look up from your phone to check in on the status of the conversation you are supposed to be having?

Drop the phone and pick up your interest in the person sitting across the table from you.

Nothing on your phone is more important than that person.

Align with those who believe what you believe.

Clinical psychologist Linda Blair says that “usually the basis of making a friend is a shared experience.”

Therefore, find your people. This is not a new idea, but it is one that is growing with conviction.

If you find that it’s hard for you to make friends or break into circles, it might be because you are hanging out with the wrong crowd.

Find people who are aligned with your thoughts and beliefs and surround yourself with them. It’s easy to like people who are like us.

17) Meet new people.

If all else fails and you feel like you are just not living up to your own expectations related to your relationship building, get out and meet some new people.

The more interaction and experience you have talking to others, the better you will be at it.

It’s a practice that can take a lifetime to develop, so don’t get discouraged, and don’t hide at home because you don’t know what might happen.

The only way to be likable is to put yourself out there for more people to like!

What to do with selfish people 

1) Accept that they have no regards for others

As annoying as it is that you’re dealing with a selfish person, you need to accept the way they are.

Otherwise, you’ll get frustrated and annoyed with their behavior.

According to Sarah Newman, MA, MFA in Psych Central, “Selfish people consume the time and energy of others and, despite what you tell yourself, there’s no end in sight to their narcissism.”

Here are some things that you need to accept about them, rather than get frustrated by:

– They won’t put your needs first.
– They won’t be thoughtful and considerate.
– They’ll purely look out for their own interests.

Once you’ve accepted these things about them, you won’t negatively react when they act selfish. Because they will act selfish.

And now you can focus on the below more important ways to deal with them.

2) Give yourself the attention you know you deserve

Selfish people only want attention for themselves. But they don’t want to give it.

And there’s no point trying to change a selfish narcissistic person. According to licensed clinical psychologist Dianne Grande, Ph.D., a narcissist “will only change if it serves his or her purpose.”

So it’s time to turn the tide and focus on yourself.

Forget about their problems that they can’t stop babbling about and focus on you.

If you’re feeling a bit down, ask yourself why. If you feel a little shabby, go and get a haircut and a massage.

You don’t have to ignore your own needs to give attention to a self-absorbed energy sucker.

It will only make you emotionally drained and you won’t be able to help out people who actually do need the help.

3) Whatever you do, don’t fall to their level

Selfish people are frustrating. They only care about themselves and they’ll manipulate you to get what they want.

While it may be difficult to not be triggered by a selfish person’s behavior, there’s no point in attacking them. As Marla Tabaka points out in INC, your “energy is better spent in a productive conversation, which you’ll find elsewhere.”

According to Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP in Health Line “don’t try to beat them. Two people shouldn’t play this game.”

So it’s crucial that you keep your wits about it and don’t play their game. If you feel like they’re manipulating you so you can help them out, put a stop to it.

In the same vein, don’t emotionally react to their selfish behavior.

If they cause you to be angry or frustrated, then you’re falling to their level of toxic energy, which won’t do anyone any good.

4) Don’t give them attention

According to Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT in Mind Body Green:

“Narcissists need constant attention—even following you around the house, asking you to find things, or constantly saying something to grab your attention.”

Selfish people crave people’s attention. They constantly look for sympathy. This is why they love to play the victim.

So if you can avoid them, do it. As M.I.T. negotiation professor John Richardson says: never asked yourself first, “How do I make this deal?” Instead, start with, “Should this deal be made?” With narcissists, the answer is usually it’s not worth it.

5) Don’t just talk about what they’re interested in – talk about what interests you

Self-absorbed people can sabotage your conversations so that they only talk about themselves and what they’re interested in.

According to Preston Ni M.S.B.A. in Psychology Today:

“The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself, and doesn’t give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation.”

Be mindful of this and don’t let it happen.

You’re not there to simply be a listener, especially when the topic of conversation is boring and it’s all about them.

Bring up random and interesting stories that you love to talk about. If they can’t handle it and want to get away from you, even better!

6) Stop doing everything that they demand you to do

There’s no getting around it: Selfish people want people to do things for them.

The kicker?

They won’t do anything for anyone else.

While it’s important to help out someone when they need help, there’s a line you don’t cross.

Preston Ni M.S.B.A. in Psychology Today offers some great advice:

“The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize when they’re being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights.”

If they’re constantly asking you to do things for them and they’re doing nothing in return, then you need to put a stop to this one-sided agreement.

It’s time to be assertive and stand up for yourself.

In a sensible manner, let them know that they never do anything for you and expect the world for themselves. You’re just as important as they are.

7) Don’t spend too much time with them

This is an obvious one, but many people make the same mistake over and over.

If you’re getting frustrated with how toxic and self-absorbed they are, limit your time with them.

Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP has some great advice in Health Line:

“Take charge and carve out some “me time.” Take care of yourself first and remember that it’s not your job to fix them.”

Simple, right?

Sometimes you have to respect yourself and your time. They might complain that you don’t have much time for them anymore, but stand firm.

Only see them every now and then. In this way, you can keep the friendship going but you won’t be as affected by their toxic energy.

8) Hang out with people better

The people you hang out with have a huge influence on your life.

According to life hacking expert Tim Ferriss, we’re the average of the 5 people we hang out with most.

If you continually hang out with selfish people, you might become selfish yourself. Now I know and you know that you don’t want that.

So what can you do? Hang out with people who are positive and uplifting. Life is too short to spend time with toxic and selfish people!

9) End the relationship

This is a drastic step. But if this selfish person is really getting to you and they’re seriously hindering your life, then you might want to consider what life might look without them.

If this selfish person is a narcissist, it’s not out of the question that they’ll damage you emotionally.

Narcissists are all about themselves and they’ll do anything to get what they want.

As we have mentioned above, there’s not much point in trying to change them as a narcissist “will only change if it serves his or her purpose.”

Sometimes you need to look out for yourself and your own emotional health. If you feel that they have the potential to damage you, then it might be time to bite the bullet and get rid of them.

In Conclusion

Selfish people cause pain to the people around them.

They shatter hearts and cause problems for anyone.

Selfishness comes with immaturity. The most you can do is to let them stop controlling you to teach them that they’re wrong.

Let them know that they cannot control you. Hopefully, they will get the hint and go away.

Or they will realize it’s time to change.

Just keep your fingers crossed.

“Why don’t people like me?” – 17 tips if you feel this is you

Are you asking yourself, “why don’t people like me?”

Without a friend to trust or someone to call upon during tough times, life can be even more difficult than it already is.

Everyone needs someone they can turn to in life, whether that’s our family or a friend.

While we don’t get to choose our families, we can certainly choose our friends.

You may find yourself without either and wonder how you can turn things around so that people will like you again.

If you’ve crossed a line and have been put out of a family or have been double-crossed by friends, it might feel impossible to get back into someone’s good graces, but all is not lost.

You need to take responsibility for your actions and change the way you operate. Other people aren’t going to change.

You need to change the way you are around them in order to see different results.